From the mind comes the child.
by Phire
Summary: My first please r/r... a new view after eoe. Be kind


Through Great Loss Comes Nothing  
  
A handfull of people remained to see the bodies lowered into the hallowed ground. These people, wearing black, watched as the first handfulls of loam and soil were tossed onto the caskets, and then turned and went their separate ways. One, a young boy, spoke softly to himself, not realizing that the older man could hear his words.  
"I'm sorry, I could not bring myself to do it. Your deaths are my fault. Forgive me."  
The man heard these words, and inwardly felt sympathy for the boy, and in doing so was probably the first person to have felt that for him. The old man glanced at the young girl that was walking away, but her expression was unreadable. He felt sympathy for her too, after what she had been through and what secrets she held within her fragil mind. 'What has that man done? Am I cursed to repeat his arrogance?' he thought to himself.  
  
Shinji Ikari lay awake on his bed, staring at the ceiling. His thoughts float through his memories of the past few days, reliving each and every one of them repeatedly. Espically his cowardince. His fear. Had I not frozen in terror, I could have saved them. Or at least Asuka. Misato was wounded before. But she used the last of her life to give me the chance to save as many as I could, and I wasted it. I wasted her life. How can I ever hope for forgivness for that? How could I ever hope for forgivness after standing by while Asuka fought....and died?  
  
Rei Ayanami also lay on her bed, reliving the past few days, recalling things she had done, and seen done. I am no longer a doll, she thought. I will no longer allow others to live my life. It is mine alone. Then she remembered the end. He chose not to return. He could have returned, but remained. His wife. Does he expect to see her again? She is not there, but not here either. She is with it. The others are there. If they are all gone, why do I still wish to see them? Is this...sadness? regret? anguish? Is this feeling called anguish? Loneliness? Am I still lonely?  
  
Commander Fuyutski sat in the office of Gendo Ikari. Ikari, he thought, with your death, you leave me in command of Nerv. What am I to do with it now? SEELE will attack us, and you have left nothing but a badly damaged Unit 00, two pilots, and a short staff. Is this the result of your madness? And what about the Fourth Unit? Is it to remain in cryostasis, awating him to wake? I will not make your mistakes over again. I will not fall victim to your madness. You did all of this for your own selfish desire to see her again. You fool, you forget, she with it. You will never be with her again. She saw to that herself.  
  
The walk to school was a lonely one for Shinji the next day. He walked slowly into class and sat at his desk, lost in his thoughts.  
"Hey, whats up with you?" Toji asked.   
"Yeah, you look like you stayed up all night with your lovely roommate." Kensuke added.  
"Speaking of the red-haired devil, where is she?" Toji threw in.  
"She's gone." Shinji answered softly.  
"Gone? What is she at Nerv or something?" Toji asked.  
"Is it something to do with that battle yesterday?" Kensuke wanted to know.  
"The battle....yes, with the battle." Shinji added, and seemed to withdraw into himself even more. His friends looked at each other behind his back.  
"Hey, the Teachers here!" Hikari shouted. "All rise!" Everyone snapped to their feet, except Shinji, who stood up slowly, and Rei, who, as usuall, did not even seem to notice that anyone else existed.  
At lunch Shinji sat by himself, oblivious to those around him, and slowly ate his food without tasting it.  
"I wonder what his problem is?" Kensuke asked Toji as they ate.  
"Beats me. Knowing him, probably depressed that he's not being beaten by that bitch he lives with." Toji answered.  
"Wouldn't doubt it." Kensuke added.  
Shinji felt even more alone as he walked to Nerv after school, though he walked beside Rei. Neither one of them spoke, untill they were almost to the gateway to HQ.  
"Why are you sad?" Rei asked him suddenly.  
"Why am I sad?" he said. "They are gone, and it is my fault."  
Rei thought on this for a moment, then spoke again.  
"How are their deaths your fault?"  
"I am a coward." Shinji said softly, so softly that even the normally quiet Rei could hardly hear him. She did not say anything after that, but wondered instead why he would think that, after what he had done. She did not come to any good answer, nor did she think he would tell her anything more, by the time they reached HQ.  
"Good, you're here." Fuyutski said when they walked into Central Dogma. "Rei, please come with me." Rei walked with him back to Commander Ikari's former office.  
"I need to speak with each of you about the events in the recent days." he began. "First, I need to know if you have any idea why noone else seems to know about the Third Impact happening."  
"I don't know why. Perhaps because they were not involved in it." Rei answered.  
"Ok. And what happened to you and Shinji during the Impact? We don't really have any information on that." he asked.  
"I was fulfilling my role, what I was created for." Rei said. "But I did not do what Commander Ikari wanted me to. I did what I desired."  
Fuyutski sat in silence for a moment, digesting that. "Ikari should have forseen that he could not treat you like he did without you doing that. He was a fool. You will not be treated like than anymore. You have my word on that. Now, would you please send Shinji in?"  
"You wanted speak with me?" Shinji asked when he walked in. His shoulders were hunched, and he looked very unhappy.  
"Yes. I need to get your views on what happened during the Third Impact." Fuyuski said.  
"They died." Shinji said.  
"I need more than that. What happened?"  
"I wanted to help Asuka, but could not bring myself to. Misato died to give me the chance to save her, and I wasted her life. Then Rei appeared as Lillith. She asked me what I wanted of the world. I wanted a world where I could be happy, but I was alone in that world. Then I didn't want to be alone. I wasn't happy there, with just one person. So I just remade this one."  
"I understand now." Fuyutski said quietly. "You may go."  
Shinji and Rei spent the rest of the evening filling out reports and paperwork on the events of the Third Impact, telling everything they saw and experienced several times, to be sure there was no mistake on the facts. It was just past supper time when Shinji got home.  
Shinji walked in and prepared some instant noodles and curry for himself. Pen-pen looked at him, as if to ask where Misato and Asuka were. Shinji looked at him for a moment.  
"They're gone, and won't be comming back." he said softly. Pen-pen looked at him for a moment, before going back to his own meal in his refrigerator.  
Shinji ate in silence and went back to his room and lay on his bed, thinking much the same as he had the night before, untill dawn's light reminded him to get ready for school.  
Across town, Rei also lay awake after supper, but was thinking different things than Shinji. She was thinking about Shinji, and wondering why he was blaming himself for something he could not prevent. She lay awake, wondering why he was so depressed, and what she could perhaps do about it, but nothing came to her mind.  
  
  
Look for the next chapter soon.......  
Please send me your thoughts on this fic, but I would appreciate it if they were serious thoughts, no flamers. Thank you. 


End file.
